you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
