her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
