I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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