he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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