I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
