i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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