found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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