broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
