: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
