So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
