she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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