she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
