i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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