We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
