Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
