You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
