How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
