I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
