I wish my penis had an off switch
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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