Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
