There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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