Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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