the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
