if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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