My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
