why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
