Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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