i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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