dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
