so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
