Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
