friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
