I puked a lego.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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