We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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