I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Randomize
