So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
