I just threw up on my dentist
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
