i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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