Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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