she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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