glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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