The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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