im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
