1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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