LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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