Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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