she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
im six kinds of drunk right now
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
