Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
