My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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