Your face is a jimmy john
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
