I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
