I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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